I won’t blame it on the alcohol, I wanted to do it. I guess I just feel sort of empty right now because I knew it wasn’t going to change the dynamics of our relationship (and lack of), I knew what kind of person he was (is) and that doing it wouldn’t change the dynamics of his personality, and because a tiny, infinitesimal part of me hated him.
I think that’s what gets me the most. Why would I do something like that for someone I can barely even tolerate most days?
Attention, probably. That’s the reality of it, maybe, and it feels pretty pathetic. What kind of person wants someone so badly to care for them, even for just a second, that they’d settle like that?
He came in my mouth. He said it was one of the best blow jobs he’d ever gotten, that I was in his top four (ew). And then he said I had to leave, because his baby mama was bringing his kid to his house in the morning.
I had to see him at work the next day, and pretend it never happened. No text, no call, no nothing. And, that’s okay. ‘Cause like I said, I knew going into it that he’d be like that; I expected it.
But, it doesn’t change the fact that, on a personal level, I feel pretty damn ashamed and worthless right now.
I’m not allowing myself what I deserve. But I don’t even know what that is anymore.