Oh hai. This #dumbass left her headlights on, and the car battery died. Try’na get home before having to battle the #snow + dark. Way to go, Elora. Way to friggin’ go! #reinforcementsontheway lolll
MY BOYS ARE GOING TO THE SUPER BOWL!!!!!!!!!!
I’m so anxious, but no matter the outcome, I got dat hometown pride, through thick and thin, and I am SO PROUD of my boys this season!
Pictures from my photo adventure after my meeting today. I was officially offered the job! Lots of changes taking place soon (including a possible MOVE)! (:
What about the fact that I took the initiative to cut my hours at the facility I currently work at, to start a new job elsewhere, because, well, I want to be happy. And I’m not. So, I’m trying. And, that’s a start, right?
Or that I just recently took up running again? It wasn’t the fastest couple miles of my life, and it irritated the cough I’ve spent the last week dueling, but will it be worth it in the long run? Most definitely!
And how about the fact that regardless of my failed love life, my life is still full of and surrounded by love?! I’ve made some amazing friends here that I never even imagined could impact my life in such awesome ways, but they have. We go to concerts together (Macklemore, Primus, Atmosphere/G&E/SlightlyStoopid, anyone?) and shopping excursions. Sometimes we just do a little back-road-picture-takin’-drivin’, or we go for a late-night pie shake at Shari’s (or, we used to, because they’re all on diets and can’t anymore, lol). What about the fact that we mutually support and motivate each other on the things that are important to us? That’s pretty damn cool.
Or family? What about the fact that family is one of the most important things in my life, and that I’ve learned all that I can and cannot do on my own with and without their support?
I have a new puppy. Well. I’ve had him for approximately five months now. He’s a little shit, but he gets along with my other four-legged kid and he’s the sweetest thing.
Or that I took myself to the Oregon coast for the first time last week? Last minute. I was in the bathroom putting my face on and I looked in the mirror and I just thought, “You know what? I should go to the beach today.” So, I packed a back, hauled the eldest pup in the car (the other doesn’t handle well, he stayed home with the roomie) and headed to Lincoln City. Long drive to catch a sunset, and I didn’t even make it in time. We arrived near dusk. I had to take the dog down to the water, it was his first time at the beach! But the tide came in, up to my butt, and I freaked, and he freaked, and we made a beeline for the shore, and he was scared, and I was laughing my head off while simultaneously feeling like the worst person in the world, but it was an experience and we lived, so that’s okay.
My life isn’t dependent on my relationship status. My heart hurts for other reasons, but it grows and it changes, and it heals for other reasons, too. My happiness isn’t dependent on a guy, even though I struggle to remember that at times. Mostly, when I catch a glimpse of the what-could-be and it gets yanked away from me just as fast as the thought pops into this tiny, little brain of mine.
But that’s alright. Honestly. Even through all the tears. Even though it truly feels, sometimes, that I’m meant to be “Forever Alone.” None of that matters. ‘Cause, I’m pretty rad. And anyone that can’t see that isn’t meant to play a lasting role in my life anyway.
I believe everyone we encounter makes an appearance for a reason. Some of them just aren’t meant to last through ‘til the last page. Some people are chapters. Hell, some people are paragraphs; sentences, words. They help make up the entire story, but the monumental ones are still being written. And the ones that make the greatest impressions are not easily forgotten by the turn of a page.
Whatever will be, will be. For now, I’m okay. And that’s okay.
He completely dropped off the face of the planet afterward. Deleted me from Facebook, no texts, no calls, nothing.
Six months later, out of the blue, he messages me, apologizing. He said he really liked me, that I was so beautiful and down to earth, and that he was so awkward that he just kind of turned off and couldn’t handle it.
He was going through a hard time, so we hung out one night in hopes that I could cheer him up.
The next day he bombarded my phone with painfully awkward poems he wrote about me.
So I ended that right quick.
He ended up going back to his ex-girlfriend.
After that, my boss wanted to set me up with her farmhand. We talked through Facebook for a while, and progressed to texting. He had just gotten out of a six-year relationship, so I was really hesitant to meet him because I wanted him to be sure he was over her before anything really started between us.
Months went by. Months. And he begged me, constantly, to meet him.
So one night I did. He picked me up in a his big, ol’ lifted Ford pickup and we drove through the back roads of town for hours, talking, laughing, flirting, holding hands.
I really liked him. He liked me, too. He was very nice, very genuine like that.
But my worst fear manifested and a short while later he said he wasn’t over his ex-girlfriend. He said he didn’t want to be with her, but that he couldn’t be with me, either, while he felt like that. Because it wasn’t fair to me.
He did the absolute right thing.
But I was crushed. And bitter. And angry. And sad. And burned the bridge between us in the process of trying to understand what I can now so clearly see.
One of my best friends in The Dalles tried to set me up with her brother after that. He was cute. He was friendly. We had a lot in common. He had a lot going for him. But I was a mess. I blew him off repeatedly for months. I wasn’t ready.
And I still wasn’t ready when we met.
I became the female version of boy #1 — incredibly awkward, downright scared, and just plain insecure. It was embarrassing. It was all kinds of awful. It was the worst first meeting I’ve ever encountered with anyone, ever. And he was so, so nice about it. But it wasn’t an accurate representation of me, and when I wasn’t allowed a timely opportunity to rectify the situation, I lashed out.
Another bridge burned.
So I turned to another. I gave head to a guy I wasn’t particularly interested in because I wanted attention, and I felt badly about myself, and there’s nothing special about a guy that’s been with every girl you know, so I could become invisible afterward. I could be discarded, because I don’t deserve to get what I want. I knew that at the time. Even drunk and passed out on the floor, I knew.
But it just made me feel worse, as I’m sure you can imagine.
So I just stopped. All together. I just stopped. Caring. Wanting. Investing. I just wanted to be alone, indefinitely. I wanted, ultimately, to not feel anything anymore.
Cue Guy #5. He really came out of nowhere. I was so open and honest. And, I don’t know, I thought it was reciprocated. We talked for a few months, I opened up about my concerns, been there done that, you know?
And he constantly assured me that everything would be fine. That it’d be okay. That he’d never felt this way before. That he trusted me.
And, trusting me meant that I could trust him, right?
When we hung out, I took him for a drive out to the Fairfield Homestead and we took pictures. Laughing, talking, listening to music.
He texted me later that night, that he had fun. That I was cute. That I was sexy. That he wanted to kiss me pretty badly. Don’t be insecure, you’re beautiful.
Somewhere between that text and the next day, he changed his mind, I guess. The last text I got was, “I don’t know how I feel, I think I opened up too quickly.”
I said, “You don’t have to explain yourself to me. I get it.”
And.. That was that.
And somehow, that ones the worst. Because I do get it. But I feel so, so badly about myself, and I wish I didn’t, but I can’t help it. I’m a mess and I’m trying not to be. I’m trying not to hurt, or at least, not to show it.
I have to believe that someone would not intentionally hurt me like that, but I’m not so sure anymore. I’m so ready to just put my heart away. I wear it so openly on my sleeve that it’s just become an open target.
And I am so tired of trying.
So I bought a Jeep last Thursday, and I’ve been driving/photo-exploring non-stop since. I even my first trip to the Oregon coast! Almost drowned my dog in the process, but we made it.
I won’t blame it on the alcohol, I wanted to do it. I guess I just feel sort of empty right now because I knew it wasn’t going to change the dynamics of our relationship (and lack of), I knew what kind of person he was (is) and that doing it wouldn’t change the dynamics of his personality, and because a tiny, infinitesimal part of me hated him.
I think that’s what gets me the most. Why would I do something like that for someone I can barely even tolerate most days?
Attention, probably. That’s the reality of it, maybe, and it feels pretty pathetic. What kind of person wants someone so badly to care for them, even for just a second, that they’d settle like that?
He came in my mouth. He said it was one of the best blow jobs he’d ever gotten, that I was in his top four (ew). And then he said I had to leave, because his baby mama was bringing his kid to his house in the morning.
I had to see him at work the next day, and pretend it never happened. No text, no call, no nothing. And, that’s okay. ‘Cause like I said, I knew going into it that he’d be like that; I expected it.
But, it doesn’t change the fact that, on a personal level, I feel pretty damn ashamed and worthless right now.
I’m not allowing myself what I deserve. But I don’t even know what that is anymore.
Quack! Quack quack! Brown hairs. Amazing how the smallest change can boost your confidence! Starting to feel whole again (: #brownhairdontcare #greeneyes #selfie #duckface #urdumb #hotgirl #hotmess #morelike #justkidding #quack
Wanna see my cock? #portland #shopping #tooearly #rooster #dying #selfie
To have your things and wait there for a plane ride
No one there to sit and hold your hand in flight
But everyone I know out here is lonely
Even those that have someone to lie beside at night
"Pretty Girl at the Airport" — The Avett Brothers
I don’t understand. I’m not ugly, or dumb, or careless. Just a lil’ shy, and cautious, and irrationally logical. Or, illogical. Chaotic. I don’t care. I only wanna disappear lately; become one and nothing with the world, ‘cause anything else hurts too badly. I just wanna jump, leaps and bounds outta this body, outta this skin. I just wanna fly. I just want to be alone, completely and wholly, and not be reminded of the things and the people I’ve lost. I’m not meant for sunsets, and flowers. I don’t get the guy. And I don’t wanna. I just wanna go back to that quiet existence, and not feel such anger, and sadness, and pain in the one I’m currently leading. Hatred, really. It’s hatred in this little, aching heart. A meanness perpetuated by self-loathing and mirrored Right. Back. At. Me. I don’t wanna fake it. Don’t make me pretend niceties. I’m not interested, or interesting. Maybe the reality is that it’s just a #lostcause. Fuck. And, fuck you. And, fuck off. #wearenotfriends
LOL! I agree. And you WOULD look fabulous, indeed!
“You Can’t Be a Princess” | Journalists from ABC’s “What Would You Do?” planted hidden cameras in a Halloween store and filmed shoppers’ reactions to a boy who wanted a princess costume and a girl who wanted a Spiderman costume.This makes me very sad and angry…
I believe this has a place on this blog.
I want to kill someone
What the fuck? Why can’t people just let them wear what they want?! If my son wants to wear a dress, I’d wear one with him…..and by damn, we’d look FABULOUS.